My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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