Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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