come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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