You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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