i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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