I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
