Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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