i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
