***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
