yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
