I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
