So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
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