2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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