that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
