No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
