I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I have aggressive nipples.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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