You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
