Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
