i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
