everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
