I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
