Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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