before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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