there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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