I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
