turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
