Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Please don't give away my fajitas
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
