Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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