ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
