i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
