some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
