Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Say something about gay babies.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
