i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
3pm strippers are depressing
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
