3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
