And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just tell him i said nine months
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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