U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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