We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I love having hate sex.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
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