Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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