I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
