Need sex. Gaining weight.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
