I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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