You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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