I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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