Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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