I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
