I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
