my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
