there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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