i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
