Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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