Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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