So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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