You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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