i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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