Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
