You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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